03-30-2016, 09:10 AM
I think these lines are a bit disruptive to the poem.
"Somewhere
a distant voice talks of
hatred,
death,
resurrection."
As the reader is left to wonder does the boy actually hear these words, or are they said but the child does not understand and if so, why the words?
Somewhere
a distant voice
drones
as the child wonders why
the egg is going soft.
This brings it back into the child's world. We know from the cross where and basically what the voice is saying. We know the message is about Easter, or else there would be no chocolate egg to melt. So there is no need to tell that this is about the resurrection.
Outside of the fact that your second stanza is not a sentence, everything else reads well.
Best,
dale
"Somewhere
a distant voice talks of
hatred,
death,
resurrection."
As the reader is left to wonder does the boy actually hear these words, or are they said but the child does not understand and if so, why the words?
Somewhere
a distant voice
drones
as the child wonders why
the egg is going soft.
This brings it back into the child's world. We know from the cross where and basically what the voice is saying. We know the message is about Easter, or else there would be no chocolate egg to melt. So there is no need to tell that this is about the resurrection.
Outside of the fact that your second stanza is not a sentence, everything else reads well.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.