Fall Back

[whatisay-whatifeel]

Hello! First post to PigPen. Would like feedback on first draft of a poem. Thanks

Fall Back

The darkness comes when you are sleeping,
Perhaps you are still asleep.  I like how this line mirrors the last line of your poem. Have you thought about making it your opening line? I think that would flow better. 
Rise and taste the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee,-Great line!
Taste them before they evaporate on your tongue.
A dreamless wandering leads you down and
Out, and through these laden streets.- The "and" here is not needed. Notice the comma added after "out."
You are flecked and proded with rain.
You may be thinking about-What if you replace thinking with think?
Cozy nights with tea and pets and a good book
You may be thinking about
Tap dancing feet and playful puddles
But they are ripped from your mind by
An edge to the wind, the smell of drunk urine,
Cold hands, damp paper, and a weight
That holds you down with both hands. -Are these last few words needed? If so, look at the repetition of the word "hands." Could you switch up your word choice?
Close and open your eyes, open and close them.
It doesn’t matter.-I like this statement. It gets the reader to think, trying to understand the inner workings of the narrator's mind. Simple, yet strong.
Barely contained rage builds as everything runs late
And down into the gutter.
Seek out shelter, perhaps only to change your socks.
Turn around and find the doors and windows have been
Absorbed into darkness.
Sit cross-legged in front of your false sun-god
After dinner so you don’t fall asleep.
But soon sleep does come and it is dark and restless.
Perhaps you are still awake.

I really like this poem. When I read it I imagined a young, troubled man struggling with depression. I loved how the first two lines mirrored the last two, and thought your poem provoked thought with its ambiguity. Awesome job!