03-30-2016, 07:23 AM
The "above adult heads" line pleasantly caught me off guard, but I think a little more descriptive words could help here and in some of the other lines. I understand what is going on well enough but I can't find myself enthralled by the language used. Its a wee bit choppy and doesn't quite roll off the tongue like I want it to. It doesn't feel present within itself, its more like someone describing what happens in a given poem more than the poem itself.
I'm not sure if you were going for a child questioning his faith, but from the last line I gathered that the child was contemplating the science of melting chocolate, which is perfectly juvenile. I like the flow of all the different aspects together, I just feel like there is room for them to stand out on their own still.
I'm not sure if you were going for a child questioning his faith, but from the last line I gathered that the child was contemplating the science of melting chocolate, which is perfectly juvenile. I like the flow of all the different aspects together, I just feel like there is room for them to stand out on their own still.
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.