03-30-2016, 04:52 AM
The idea of someone hypothesizing about someone else that they apparently do not know, or even from a narrative, does little for me. It may be this, it may be that, yawn. As Todd mention there is major bloat here.
"The darkness comes when you are sleeping,
Perhaps you are still asleep.
You rise and taste the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee.
Taste them before they evaporate on your tongue.
A dreamless wandering leads you down and
Out and through these laden streets." cliche
So out of six lines there is one excellent line, 2 superfluous lines, 1 redundant line, and a 2 line cliche.
This leads into a series of "you might". No! You are. No one cares what someone might be doing, because they just as easily might not be doing it. It needs to be definitive.
In terms of capping every line:
As a service to your readers, please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out circa 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material (due to the cost), which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
Best,
dale
"The darkness comes when you are sleeping,
Perhaps you are still asleep.
You rise and taste the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee.
Taste them before they evaporate on your tongue.
A dreamless wandering leads you down and
Out and through these laden streets." cliche
So out of six lines there is one excellent line, 2 superfluous lines, 1 redundant line, and a 2 line cliche.
This leads into a series of "you might". No! You are. No one cares what someone might be doing, because they just as easily might not be doing it. It needs to be definitive.
In terms of capping every line:
As a service to your readers, please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out circa 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material (due to the cost), which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.