Fall Back

[Todd]

Hi sithcat,

Welcome to the site! Some comments for you:

Hello! First post to PigPen. Would like feedback on first draft of a poem. Thanks

Fall Back

The darkness comes when you are sleeping,--This is not a bad line but should probably be moved (see below)
Perhaps you are still asleep.--This should probably be your first line to give your ending symmetry and a sense of closure. 
Rise and taste the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee,--"the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee" is my favorite phrase.
Taste them before they evaporate on your tongue.--Watch this over use of repetition. 
A dreamless wandering leads you down and
Out and through these laden streets.
You are flecked and proded with rain.
You may be thinking about
Cozy nights with tea and pets and a good book
You may be thinking about
Tap dancing feet and playful puddles
But they are ripped from your mind by
An edge to the wind, the smell of drunk urine,
Cold hands, damp paper, and a weight
That holds you down with both hands.
Close and open your eyes, open and close them.
It doesn’t matter.
Barely contained rage builds as everything runs late
And down into the gutter.
Seek out shelter, perhaps only to change your socks.
Turn around and find the doors and windows have been
Absorbed into darkness.
Sit cross-legged in front of your false sun-god
After dinner so you don’t fall asleep.
But soon sleep does come and it is dark and restless.
Perhaps you are still awake.

This is mild so I'm going to resist going line by line. Here's the main issue you need to consider.

You have too many words. You need to consider cutting more than half of this to get down to the essence of the idea. If one image works don't use three. As it stands this has promise but feels bloated. The bloat strips it of power. Be ruthless. If it doesn't demand to be in the poem cut it.

Not sure if that helps any. I hope it does. I think there's a potentially workable poem buried in there.

Best,

Todd