Fall Back

[Clara Brown]

Hello! First post to PigPen. Would like feedback on first draft of a poem. Thanks

Fall Back

The darkness comes when you are sleeping,- The darkness comes while when you are sleeping,
Perhaps you are still asleep.- Perhaps, you are still asleep.
Rise and taste the oily drops of sunlight in your morning coffee,-  Rise and taste, the oily drops of sunlight, in your morning coffee,
Taste them before they evaporate on your tongue. - Taste them, before they evaporate on your tongue. 
A dreamless wandering leads you down and- A dreamless wandering, leads you down, and
Out and through these laden streets.- Out, through these laden streets.
You are flecked and proded with rain. - You are flecked, and proded with rain. 
You may be thinking about- You may be Thinking about cozy nights,
Cozy nights with tea and pets and a good book- Cozy nights with tea, and pets and a good book
You may be thinking about
Tap dancing feet and playful puddles
But they are ripped from your mind by
An edge to the wind, the smell of drunk urine,
Cold hands, damp paper, and a weight
That holds you down with both hands.
Close and open your eyes, open and close them.
It doesn’t matter.
Barely contained rage builds as everything runs late
And down into the gutter.
Seek out shelter, perhaps only to change your socks.
Turn around and find the doors and windows have been
Absorbed into darkness.
Sit cross-legged in front of your false sun-god
After dinner so you don’t fall asleep.
But soon sleep does come and it is dark and restless.
Perhaps you are still awake.

HI Sithcat,

Your words tell an interestig story to say the least. There does appear to be a need of a more defined metered structure though.

It is okay to use varying meter, however your poem seems to be utilizing little or no meter. The lines appear to me as running one into another. You may find some well-placed comas can go far in clearing up the disjointed feel of this poem.

I have given some examples (I think might be helpful) above.

Thank you for commenting.  In the future, please try to avoid re-writing people's lines as your only form of criticism -- particularly when your corrections are so very incorrect/ Admin