03-28-2016, 11:31 AM
Very interesting to see both the original and the revision here. I take this poem to be about someone under heavy medication, possibly for a mental illness, while in a hospital or some other shared space.
My favorite line was "sing men to sleep in their chemical womb." I would like to be more connected to whomever or whatever is doing the singing, however.
What I liked about the original poem was the description and imagery of the actual delusions, whereas the revision only mentions a 'fantasy' in passing. If there is a way to work more detail and show the fantasy that would connect the reader more to the poem.
In general, I think you could make it longer and flesh out the poem with more detail. I am curious about the setting, for instance. Thank you for sharing!
Best,
sithcat
My favorite line was "sing men to sleep in their chemical womb." I would like to be more connected to whomever or whatever is doing the singing, however.
What I liked about the original poem was the description and imagery of the actual delusions, whereas the revision only mentions a 'fantasy' in passing. If there is a way to work more detail and show the fantasy that would connect the reader more to the poem.
In general, I think you could make it longer and flesh out the poem with more detail. I am curious about the setting, for instance. Thank you for sharing!
Best,
sithcat