03-28-2016, 11:07 AM
This is a very tough subject, thank you for sharing your poem. I understand it to be about coming out as transgendered to an old sports team.
My favorite line was "girls with Venus legs flytrap shut". You could potentially make this line even stronger by removing 'legs' from it. That way the metaphor would be more direct. I also liked the phrase "not a side-eye in the house" as a play on 'not a dry eye in the house'. Very clever.
I, too, am a little confused by the lines: "But you can’t unring the bell, or unscrew the girl." Does this mean, the 'I' in the poem felt screwed (like, oh man, I'm screwed!) or was the speaker literally mentioning a time someone had had sex with her (the coach?)? Or was there a girl in the speakers past, perhaps before she identified openly as a woman, with which she had sex? If the first meaning, perhaps consider rewording. If the later two, how is it relevant to the current moment and could that be expanded upon?
Best,
sithcat
My favorite line was "girls with Venus legs flytrap shut". You could potentially make this line even stronger by removing 'legs' from it. That way the metaphor would be more direct. I also liked the phrase "not a side-eye in the house" as a play on 'not a dry eye in the house'. Very clever.
I, too, am a little confused by the lines: "But you can’t unring the bell, or unscrew the girl." Does this mean, the 'I' in the poem felt screwed (like, oh man, I'm screwed!) or was the speaker literally mentioning a time someone had had sex with her (the coach?)? Or was there a girl in the speakers past, perhaps before she identified openly as a woman, with which she had sex? If the first meaning, perhaps consider rewording. If the later two, how is it relevant to the current moment and could that be expanded upon?
Best,
sithcat