03-28-2016, 02:12 AM
Led me down a rabbit hole, read article, relived Camus, relived Dostoevsky -- ai! Wonderland was great, but what about the hole itself?
First line is fair enough in presenting everything.
cut off my legs tells, not shows -- it's a vivid image, but inappropriately so, since the stories of the interviewed should be enough -- that is, this time, i think life would trump metaphor, and I do feel like this piece tries to be from one of those suffering, rather than your view as one of those suffering, if you catch my meaning
the break between lines 2 and 3 is good, since it gives it a rhythm that feels very natural not for poetry but for speech -- and again, if you're gunning to imitate the already worthy language of the suffering, that's good.
to my next appointment feels like a line that adds nothing -- an important bit to the poem's tiny plot, but one that can be easily compressed to the next line.
ending with sanction is good, especially in context of the Jobcentre bit -- but if you chose to expand this, because i do think this is rather too short to present the vivid punch of those imitated, sanctioned would be much punchier explained. "going without food and 'lecky' and gas for two weeks"
But if you weren't gunning to imitate, then -- well, this really isn't enough to present anything, not in vividness nor in punch from non-vividness. And I do think imitation in this case is the best way to present the people's point, especially in a medium as short as this, because their experiences directly told are already harrowing enough, and their use of the language has already a very beautiful rhythm hovering between the polemic, the vivid, and the contented.
Oh dear my brain is turning to sleep mush
First line is fair enough in presenting everything.
cut off my legs tells, not shows -- it's a vivid image, but inappropriately so, since the stories of the interviewed should be enough -- that is, this time, i think life would trump metaphor, and I do feel like this piece tries to be from one of those suffering, rather than your view as one of those suffering, if you catch my meaning
the break between lines 2 and 3 is good, since it gives it a rhythm that feels very natural not for poetry but for speech -- and again, if you're gunning to imitate the already worthy language of the suffering, that's good.
to my next appointment feels like a line that adds nothing -- an important bit to the poem's tiny plot, but one that can be easily compressed to the next line.
ending with sanction is good, especially in context of the Jobcentre bit -- but if you chose to expand this, because i do think this is rather too short to present the vivid punch of those imitated, sanctioned would be much punchier explained. "going without food and 'lecky' and gas for two weeks"
But if you weren't gunning to imitate, then -- well, this really isn't enough to present anything, not in vividness nor in punch from non-vividness. And I do think imitation in this case is the best way to present the people's point, especially in a medium as short as this, because their experiences directly told are already harrowing enough, and their use of the language has already a very beautiful rhythm hovering between the polemic, the vivid, and the contented.
Oh dear my brain is turning to sleep mush