Embers 2.0

[Nester]

OK, so this is such a departure from the original that I hesitate to label it as the same poem. It came from the same place though, so here it goes:


These corridors carry their own kind of silence;
an old silence;
which pushes and receeds and in its wake
men break to shards and fall into the fluidity of their cognition;             (I like "men break to shards")
and ward-weathered doctors try to put the pieces back together          (maybe "try to reassemble" (see below))
into some semblance of nature;

here muted-stubborn thoughts
breathe fantasy in the ears of any so lost as to listen,         (this line could be stronger)
and sing men to sleep in their chemical womb;                   (this line is plenty strong: love "chemical womb")

in these hallways the lights turn out one at a time.              (perhaps "one by one"? Not sure on this, though)

I like your imagery, and I think you did a good job handling the metaphor of "lights turning out" so that it doesn't become cliche.

The line "here muted-stubborn thoughts" threw me a bit: I didn't see that it continued the prior line, and I read "here" as "hear" (i.e. the patients are hearing their thoughts). I thought "here" was a typo until I looked up and saw the semi-colon.

I can't resist suggesting that the end of the first stanza might improve as:

     and ward-weathered doctors try to reassemble
     some semblance of nature.

This gives you the "reassemble/semblance" rhyme, which I really like. That said, my taste is always for the succinct and abrupt, so YMMV.

Hope this helps.