03-26-2016, 02:55 PM
I think though the variation of line 05 makes the rhythm a good deal less horsey, the slight stumble on "sets in, no man" is just a bit too distracting.
On the thought of stanza two: well, a man can, but that would mean a man would lose his possessions, and I don't think even priests are Christs before sainthood xP
On the thought of line 12: aren't cigarettes still legal?
Nevertheless, stanza 3 is one beautiful sounding-and-showing stanza. It sorta reminds me of The Merchant of Venice....
On the thoughts of stanzas 4 and 5: the conclusion feels way shallower than the set up, perhaps because it doesn't consider enough options. And again, the deal with stanza two....
Overall, this poem doesn't work for me thought-wise, again because the conclusion feels all shallow, unfinished. But sound-wise, excluding overall the last stanza, whose use of the "it" rhyme and somewhat unnatural dependence on commas/dashes betrays too well the natural weakness of your rhyme scheme, this is very good. Sound-wise, you are very capable, and I think if you had let this fester a bit more, and if you'd given the whole matter much more thought, you'd probably have let out a more comprehensive and thus more brilliant argument, with the work still being a poem.
Although I suppose this is in the poetry-for-fun bit, so do what you will, or whatever Crowley said.
On the thought of stanza two: well, a man can, but that would mean a man would lose his possessions, and I don't think even priests are Christs before sainthood xP
On the thought of line 12: aren't cigarettes still legal?
Nevertheless, stanza 3 is one beautiful sounding-and-showing stanza. It sorta reminds me of The Merchant of Venice....
On the thoughts of stanzas 4 and 5: the conclusion feels way shallower than the set up, perhaps because it doesn't consider enough options. And again, the deal with stanza two....
Overall, this poem doesn't work for me thought-wise, again because the conclusion feels all shallow, unfinished. But sound-wise, excluding overall the last stanza, whose use of the "it" rhyme and somewhat unnatural dependence on commas/dashes betrays too well the natural weakness of your rhyme scheme, this is very good. Sound-wise, you are very capable, and I think if you had let this fester a bit more, and if you'd given the whole matter much more thought, you'd probably have let out a more comprehensive and thus more brilliant argument, with the work still being a poem.
Although I suppose this is in the poetry-for-fun bit, so do what you will, or whatever Crowley said.