03-26-2016, 06:22 AM
It's a lovely poem that doesn't need so many white spaces, the following being quite unnecessary: i ) and it..... falls ii) it ...... falls.... out .... of.... hand iii hole.....fallen iii) when did it.....fall
it's more readable if you left align the sentences, and have only colour...hurry...out in S1 and fall....forever...I...think, written out in the way that you have. Otherwise, it's too hard on the eye and the reader will give up.
I'm not sure about 'subtle flourish of aerial panache'. Two adjectives in that line, and 'subtle flourish' looks like you're just being oxymoronic for the heck of it.
Likewise, 'smiling sardonically' does nothing for me. And what god has a rug in hand?
I'm also not too clear how any of what you describe is solipsist, but that's a minor point. The poem is otherwise quite pretty.
it's more readable if you left align the sentences, and have only colour...hurry...out in S1 and fall....forever...I...think, written out in the way that you have. Otherwise, it's too hard on the eye and the reader will give up.
I'm not sure about 'subtle flourish of aerial panache'. Two adjectives in that line, and 'subtle flourish' looks like you're just being oxymoronic for the heck of it.
Likewise, 'smiling sardonically' does nothing for me. And what god has a rug in hand?
I'm also not too clear how any of what you describe is solipsist, but that's a minor point. The poem is otherwise quite pretty.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe