03-26-2016, 05:35 AM
Hi,
Of course this is a soliloquy - there is no listener to hear the speaker/Narrator.
Disregard my comments if I have this all wrong, but the poem reads like a snippet of existential musing, with more resignation than angst.
The opening line triggers Descartes for me as well, but I took it as the existential assertion I exist, followed by the why - the Narrator’s obvious delight in his/her own (seeming) physical existence as ‘proven/demonstrated’ by ‘delicious colour’. I exist because my body does this / because I can do this to my body.
Then, as suddenly and irrevocably as a mind can lose hold of a thread of thought, the N. loses grip of the metaphorical string. It swoops with a ‘supple flourish of aerial panache’ – like a leaf in bright fall breeze, for example, dancing toward its infinite oblivion. The effect for the N. is the paradox of timelessly watching his non-existence flit through reality - the hair standing up, forever, on the back of Schrodinger’s cat.
The juicy irony of the last line is the supposition not so much of non-existence as of the loss of evidence of existence. This may well be an allegory for the last step of the dying process. Or rather, the last (and fading) conscious step of the dying process. Or, I suppose, that last moment before passing out on bad tequila. This is just my take, and could be completely out in left field.
As to the elements of the poem, I find the formatting to be a generous addition to the text. I like the way the text curves and fluffs down to an arguably curved and fluffy conclusion (in a good way). I removed all of the formatting additions to see what the poem looks like without, then tried to add them back in to gauge what if any benefit there may be. It was immediately apparent that right formatting choices were made in the writing and editing.
I thought the use of the forms of ‘fall’, while numerous, were functional and entirely appropriate. The word whose use I found most distracting was “it”, which appeared six times. My opinion is that the poem would benefit from each time it can be massaged out of the text.
Lastly – ‘solipsism’. It kind of hangs on the horizon, like the evening star. While both unique and alluring, I would suggest you consider deleting it altogether for three reasons. First, it doesn’t fit grammatically or geographically. Second, if I read the poem right, it already constitutes the unspoken psychological backdrop for the narrative. Third, when you publish this poem in ebook form, Kindles around the world will definitely screw it up.
JMHO.
T
Of course this is a soliloquy - there is no listener to hear the speaker/Narrator.
Disregard my comments if I have this all wrong, but the poem reads like a snippet of existential musing, with more resignation than angst.
The opening line triggers Descartes for me as well, but I took it as the existential assertion I exist, followed by the why - the Narrator’s obvious delight in his/her own (seeming) physical existence as ‘proven/demonstrated’ by ‘delicious colour’. I exist because my body does this / because I can do this to my body.
Then, as suddenly and irrevocably as a mind can lose hold of a thread of thought, the N. loses grip of the metaphorical string. It swoops with a ‘supple flourish of aerial panache’ – like a leaf in bright fall breeze, for example, dancing toward its infinite oblivion. The effect for the N. is the paradox of timelessly watching his non-existence flit through reality - the hair standing up, forever, on the back of Schrodinger’s cat.
The juicy irony of the last line is the supposition not so much of non-existence as of the loss of evidence of existence. This may well be an allegory for the last step of the dying process. Or rather, the last (and fading) conscious step of the dying process. Or, I suppose, that last moment before passing out on bad tequila. This is just my take, and could be completely out in left field.
As to the elements of the poem, I find the formatting to be a generous addition to the text. I like the way the text curves and fluffs down to an arguably curved and fluffy conclusion (in a good way). I removed all of the formatting additions to see what the poem looks like without, then tried to add them back in to gauge what if any benefit there may be. It was immediately apparent that right formatting choices were made in the writing and editing.
I thought the use of the forms of ‘fall’, while numerous, were functional and entirely appropriate. The word whose use I found most distracting was “it”, which appeared six times. My opinion is that the poem would benefit from each time it can be massaged out of the text.
Lastly – ‘solipsism’. It kind of hangs on the horizon, like the evening star. While both unique and alluring, I would suggest you consider deleting it altogether for three reasons. First, it doesn’t fit grammatically or geographically. Second, if I read the poem right, it already constitutes the unspoken psychological backdrop for the narrative. Third, when you publish this poem in ebook form, Kindles around the world will definitely screw it up.
JMHO.
T