The chocolate egg
#6
(03-23-2016, 08:43 PM)Julius Wrote:  The Chocolate Egg


A child sits between
his mother and
a Victorian radiator.


Held tightly,
a foil encased
chocolate egg.


Restless eyes scan
an empty cross
above adult heads.


Somewhere
a distant voice talks of
hatred,
death,
resurrection.


As the child wonders why
the egg is going soft.

Hi, 

I really liked the way you ended it. For the reader I might decide to change the 3rd stanza. 

Restless, 
eyes scan an empty cross
above adult heads. 

I would also leave out 'Somewhere' and begin with 'A distant voice talks of' I'd change the word 'talk' to 'speak' and add an ellipses to the end of 'resurrection.' 

I hope that helps, and I thought you did a wonderful job.


Messages In This Thread
The chocolate egg - by Julius - 03-23-2016, 08:43 PM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Tracy Mitchell - 03-24-2016, 06:40 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by aschueler - 03-24-2016, 08:04 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Nester - 03-25-2016, 07:29 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Matthew McKeown - 03-25-2016, 08:15 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Acephale - 03-26-2016, 12:54 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Julius - 03-26-2016, 05:19 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Jasper - 03-28-2016, 10:25 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Lip Kingdavid - 03-30-2016, 07:23 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Erthona - 03-30-2016, 09:10 AM
RE: The chocolate egg - by Southern Scarab - 08-12-2016, 09:08 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!