03-25-2016, 12:06 PM
Descartes' principles sans an external creative force can indeed seem solipsistic, if one renders it down to its simplest cogito ergo sum -- however, this disregards the point that the obverse was never stated: this does not think, therefore it is not. Also, I can't help but think of solipsism itself as a conclusion rather than a way to arrive at a conclusion (that it's a flawed and somewhat ridiculous conclusion is probably neither here nor there at this stage -- it's sort of the Hitler-thread-ender argument of philosophy). It may be that placing it in the middle (even off to the right of the middle) is not the best option. I'm also not convinced that the word itself needs its own line, because that more or less turns it into a form of punctuation... maybe something like a very lazy, self-centred exclamation mark. Can you work it into the rest of the poem more subtly? Perhaps the finger could fall into a kind of solipsistic orbit around nothingness... I'm reaching here, can you tell?
The fall line with the / separations works as it's like a flicker across tenses/time. I feel it's weakened by giving it anchors elsewhere in the text -- after all, falling isn't something that you do with tethers. This line would be a good place to play with your white space, but not in a waterfall kind of way (wouldn't want a gimmick, right?
) -- just a little space can be quite powerful.
I like the plastered solution. You maintain alliteration/consonance, it's still nicely sibilant and sinister, and it's a slower unfolding of the expression. Do you know, I've looked over this again and again and I think it's the word "crude" that's bothering me. I read it as something vulgar, but I think maybe you mean it as something simplistic. This is a section that needs to be brought out more. I will think on it.
If it wasn't clear, I actually very much enjoyed reading this -- it is rare and incredibly pleasurable to find something I can really sink my teeth into, and even more enjoyable when the workshopping is an actual dialogue rather than some kind of false teacher-student dichotomy.
The fall line with the / separations works as it's like a flicker across tenses/time. I feel it's weakened by giving it anchors elsewhere in the text -- after all, falling isn't something that you do with tethers. This line would be a good place to play with your white space, but not in a waterfall kind of way (wouldn't want a gimmick, right?
) -- just a little space can be quite powerful.I like the plastered solution. You maintain alliteration/consonance, it's still nicely sibilant and sinister, and it's a slower unfolding of the expression. Do you know, I've looked over this again and again and I think it's the word "crude" that's bothering me. I read it as something vulgar, but I think maybe you mean it as something simplistic. This is a section that needs to be brought out more. I will think on it.
If it wasn't clear, I actually very much enjoyed reading this -- it is rare and incredibly pleasurable to find something I can really sink my teeth into, and even more enjoyable when the workshopping is an actual dialogue rather than some kind of false teacher-student dichotomy.