aside from the title there's a mundane feel about and it seems to be purposeful. that said it didn't pull me in enough to want to keep reading it; though i stayed the course.
i think i read it as prose even though it has poetic devices [could do with a few more] and this spoiled it as an out and out poem for me.
I ignite the car, tune it to Jazz 88 and drive to the reserve.
so you set fire to the car, turn the radio on and drive it away. i know exactly what you mean but ignite catches me out and makes me stop to think if it's a good enough word choice. i like the reserve as it gives me a sense of where you live and adds depth for caso cerrado later on, unless reserve just means home.
after reading it a few times i'm noticing all the I's which would stand out even more in a shorter lined version; both versions would need less I's
the woods breathe me in and breathe me out there's a solid image here, the woods in a way giving you life
Mom is in bed, often with pain from a car accident things like this need an image or else it's just a non poetic story
Through the night I am a linen hung on a clothesline in an open space. this is what i mean by an image [a suggestion would be a piece of linen]
in general i'd like to see less wordage and more imagery, good to see you posting poetry and feedback, welcome to the site.
i think i read it as prose even though it has poetic devices [could do with a few more] and this spoiled it as an out and out poem for me.
I ignite the car, tune it to Jazz 88 and drive to the reserve.
so you set fire to the car, turn the radio on and drive it away. i know exactly what you mean but ignite catches me out and makes me stop to think if it's a good enough word choice. i like the reserve as it gives me a sense of where you live and adds depth for caso cerrado later on, unless reserve just means home.
after reading it a few times i'm noticing all the I's which would stand out even more in a shorter lined version; both versions would need less I's
the woods breathe me in and breathe me out there's a solid image here, the woods in a way giving you life
Mom is in bed, often with pain from a car accident things like this need an image or else it's just a non poetic story
Through the night I am a linen hung on a clothesline in an open space. this is what i mean by an image [a suggestion would be a piece of linen]
in general i'd like to see less wordage and more imagery, good to see you posting poetry and feedback, welcome to the site.
(03-21-2016, 08:32 PM)CholSerp Wrote: Routines: Poem 1[/i][/i]
I clock out from White Digital Media Group where I write B2B copy and walk to my sedan. I ignite the car, tune it to Jazz 88 and drive to the reserve. I change into my running clothes and the woods breathe me in and breathe me out. I drive home and am greeted by my folks, their tenants and our animals: chickens, dogs, a cat and cockroaches.
Mom is in bed, often with pain from a car accident, or sleeping with the TV turned up to block noise. At 10 PM, she will get up and dress for work: the blue top and black bottom Walmart uniform. Her husband watches the salacious mock court TV show, Caso Cerrado, in the living room.
The Guatemalan tenants eat and talk in the kitchen. Everyone says buenas tardes. I check to see what mom’s left for dinner and eat standing up. I wash my dishes, throw them on the drainer and retire. In my bedroom, I denude and form an arc at my desk over a book. Later, I straighten up and wrap myself in sheet and blanket. Nube curls up behind me and I shut my eyes.
Through the night I am a linen hung on a clothesline in an open space. Dreams and nightmares blow against me. I remember past loves, act out taboos, repeat trials and am visited by ghosts. I wake as if bursting from under water. I inhale and look around. All things are in their place. I push the covers off and throw my legs over the edge of the bed.