03-24-2016, 03:21 PM
Not sure how to progress with this piece -- I feel there's still some progress left, but I also feel kinda stumped. Maybe in a year.
Funny thing is this poem runs like three separate poems tied to a singular narrative and theme: first part is all Sibyl and myths and poop, second part (And here you say...) is all the speaker actually relating what sort of happened and being all crazy emotional and poop, and the third part is a [possibly aborted] reconciliation of the two. The third part and bits of the first part probably failed if you, Matt and Achebe, think huge chunks of the second part can be disposed of, but I refuse to believe (and perhaps am a bit emboldened by dale's note, sure) that it is bad, or at the very least incomprehensible when related to everything else. Now, specifics:
Achebe: "straddled over her eyes" -- thanks. I'm still thinking of the right word -- something about her silver her being all bangs-blocking-her-vision or whatever, as a slight play to the fact that she's the Sibyl. Suggestions?
I don't think the sudden time shift is not nice, actually. This isn't the kind of poem that needs one constant set, or one hyper-clear narrative, but still, everything happens in the scene of the title anyway.
"fresh" -- well, the next line does speak of "last night's loaf of bread".
"of leaves in my teacup" just doesn't have the same punch as "of the tea leaves in my cup becomes"
Stars aren't necessarily seen -- but I agree, the images there are a mess.
"silver gates" -- heaven is pearly gates, mate. That's a slight, slight allusion to the later "gates of horn, gates of ivory", but, more importantly, that's an admittedly bad way of evoking a kettle's spout.
Mattp: "all developed love consists" -- The whole point is partly on that line. Speaker had a failure to communicate, speaker lost his love -- that's why the second part's all weird and discoursey and stuff.
"today's breakfast consists" -- meant to play with "all developed love consists", so the specific wording here I won't change, if I don't resort to mangling the breakfast stanza -- I think the idea of the tea leaves is important, and perhaps the steam from silver gates, but you're right, the breakfast itself might be wholly unnecessary. Tea in bed, perhaps.
And your crit of cutting ain't radical to me. Me going overboard with shit is my prime weakness. Look at this poem's first draft, for instance.
But hey, really valued stuff, Achebe, Matt! Makes me think...
Funny thing is this poem runs like three separate poems tied to a singular narrative and theme: first part is all Sibyl and myths and poop, second part (And here you say...) is all the speaker actually relating what sort of happened and being all crazy emotional and poop, and the third part is a [possibly aborted] reconciliation of the two. The third part and bits of the first part probably failed if you, Matt and Achebe, think huge chunks of the second part can be disposed of, but I refuse to believe (and perhaps am a bit emboldened by dale's note, sure) that it is bad, or at the very least incomprehensible when related to everything else. Now, specifics:
Achebe: "straddled over her eyes" -- thanks. I'm still thinking of the right word -- something about her silver her being all bangs-blocking-her-vision or whatever, as a slight play to the fact that she's the Sibyl. Suggestions?
I don't think the sudden time shift is not nice, actually. This isn't the kind of poem that needs one constant set, or one hyper-clear narrative, but still, everything happens in the scene of the title anyway.
"fresh" -- well, the next line does speak of "last night's loaf of bread".
"of leaves in my teacup" just doesn't have the same punch as "of the tea leaves in my cup becomes"
Stars aren't necessarily seen -- but I agree, the images there are a mess.
"silver gates" -- heaven is pearly gates, mate. That's a slight, slight allusion to the later "gates of horn, gates of ivory", but, more importantly, that's an admittedly bad way of evoking a kettle's spout.
Mattp: "all developed love consists" -- The whole point is partly on that line. Speaker had a failure to communicate, speaker lost his love -- that's why the second part's all weird and discoursey and stuff.
"today's breakfast consists" -- meant to play with "all developed love consists", so the specific wording here I won't change, if I don't resort to mangling the breakfast stanza -- I think the idea of the tea leaves is important, and perhaps the steam from silver gates, but you're right, the breakfast itself might be wholly unnecessary. Tea in bed, perhaps.
And your crit of cutting ain't radical to me. Me going overboard with shit is my prime weakness. Look at this poem's first draft, for instance.
But hey, really valued stuff, Achebe, Matt! Makes me think...