The chocolate egg

[aschueler]

The Chocolate Egg


A child sits between
his mother and
a Victorian radiator. Nice words,the visual just escapes me, however.


Held tightly,
a foil encased
chocolate egg.more vividness could enhance this, like color or size of egg.  Chocolate helps,  but then it always helps.


Restless eyes scan  
an empty cross
above adult heads.  I think you mean the child's eyes, this is unclear and stumbles a little


Somewhere
a distant voice talks of
hatred,
death,
resurrection.  Nicely done, makes me uncomfortable.


As the child wonders why
the egg is going soft.  I do like the clear distraction here, but seems to end a little empty.  Also, I think a semicolon after resurrection and lower case A for as would solve this sentence fragment.

Julius I think you did a great job here, I like the change in your format.  I did what I would consider mild instead of novice eval., so sue me.