03-23-2016, 07:16 AM
Hi DerTomatenToaster! I agree somewhat with the earlier critiques. I like the over all idea of the piece, but the delivery was tough for me. I understand it more as lyrics, but even then I think the "becauses" are a bit too repetitive. Also, I think you'd benefit from a few less instances of "I'm" and "I know". Overall, I think there may be a more creative and inventive way to say your message that would read well on the page and in song.
I don't know if you meant it, but I do like the end line and how it actually calls out your use of repetition. However, this isn't enough to make up for the annoyance the repetition creates.
I like the overall message (which I was correct on after reading one of your responses) and would love to see an edit of this!
I don't know if you meant it, but I do like the end line and how it actually calls out your use of repetition. However, this isn't enough to make up for the annoyance the repetition creates.
I like the overall message (which I was correct on after reading one of your responses) and would love to see an edit of this!