03-19-2016, 11:06 AM
Hi Paul,
"To north" sounds completely unnatural, "To the north of my house lay a small wood" It's as close to IP as wwhat you already have and it reads naturally.
To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine. Town-bred, I could (The problem with enjambment makes it sound like an inversion ech!)
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled. (This line should never have been written unless you meant "by-paths beguile", outside of that it makes little sense, plus the "oft" blech!)
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame, (don't like "elan" but shouldn't there be a comma after it, so the reader knows it is the "cat with elan" that has put the tornadoes to shame. Still one can't get away from it, it is a terrible line.)
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.
Circa 1950's capping ceased to be used (probably do to advances in typesetting). In poetry this was generally taken on immediately with a few hold overs, such as the sonnet. Generally today, sonnets do not follow the old way as it has been noted that it makes the work more difficult to read and thus does it not have purpose, but is counterproductive.
Is this suppose to be a macabre telling of deforestation and urban sprawl, as I find it difficult to believe it is anything other than satire?
dale
"To north" sounds completely unnatural, "To the north of my house lay a small wood" It's as close to IP as wwhat you already have and it reads naturally.
To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine. Town-bred, I could (The problem with enjambment makes it sound like an inversion ech!)
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled. (This line should never have been written unless you meant "by-paths beguile", outside of that it makes little sense, plus the "oft" blech!)
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame, (don't like "elan" but shouldn't there be a comma after it, so the reader knows it is the "cat with elan" that has put the tornadoes to shame. Still one can't get away from it, it is a terrible line.)
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.
Circa 1950's capping ceased to be used (probably do to advances in typesetting). In poetry this was generally taken on immediately with a few hold overs, such as the sonnet. Generally today, sonnets do not follow the old way as it has been noted that it makes the work more difficult to read and thus does it not have purpose, but is counterproductive.
Is this suppose to be a macabre telling of deforestation and urban sprawl, as I find it difficult to believe it is anything other than satire?
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.