03-19-2016, 04:23 AM
The small metapoetic bits were not lost to me, they just weren't very strongly written, in my opinion. "All our bruised bodies..." Has the advantage of being less of a laundry list than this however, and would certainly be able to stand on its own a lot more. It also produces some images, which I find none of here. This is closer to a small essay than a poem. Note also, wildlife is definitely much less poetic than rooms of the house, being more personal and abstract, though arguably less metaphysical.
I've read your explanation several times but saying still that the piece is about "THAT" is really not something identifiable on its own. It is this fact that makes the piece a chore to read/analyze, not enjoyable. 18 "because's" aside, the piece is still too wordy.
If you're writing this and not expecting anyone to understand, perhaps you should look into nonsense poetry.
Edit: I'm already moving a bit out of the novice critique area, so I'll stop myself here on this one.
I've read your explanation several times but saying still that the piece is about "THAT" is really not something identifiable on its own. It is this fact that makes the piece a chore to read/analyze, not enjoyable. 18 "because's" aside, the piece is still too wordy.
If you're writing this and not expecting anyone to understand, perhaps you should look into nonsense poetry.
Edit: I'm already moving a bit out of the novice critique area, so I'll stop myself here on this one.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona