03-16-2016, 07:02 AM
Rivernotch, hello! Some thoughts:
I dig what you've done here. I think the best advice I can give is to take an axe to it. Less is more - all that jazz.
Here are some lines that I think you can scrap:
"All developed love consists
of conversations?"
This is unclear and doesn't really add much. Another:
"Today's breakfast consists
of two eggs fried, fresh tea,
and last night's loaf of bread. I remember"
I would just go with "today's breakfast - I remember", we don't need to know what you ate. More:
"the passage of the stars -- but what do I see?
Only the plain white of cream,
of the eggs lying on my plate
and the steam
rising from the silver gates"
I would end here with the passage of stars are move on. I should note that "silver gates" is a nice touch, but I don't it it's worth the three lines leading up to it.
Honesty dude I think you could hack the 6th stanza (I reply, etc.) entirely.
To me, I think your best approach is to clear out the clutter so what's great in this poem can shine through. This might be a bit of a radical critique, so take me with a grain of salt. All the best!
- Matt
I dig what you've done here. I think the best advice I can give is to take an axe to it. Less is more - all that jazz.
Here are some lines that I think you can scrap:
"All developed love consists
of conversations?"
This is unclear and doesn't really add much. Another:
"Today's breakfast consists
of two eggs fried, fresh tea,
and last night's loaf of bread. I remember"
I would just go with "today's breakfast - I remember", we don't need to know what you ate. More:
"the passage of the stars -- but what do I see?
Only the plain white of cream,
of the eggs lying on my plate
and the steam
rising from the silver gates"
I would end here with the passage of stars are move on. I should note that "silver gates" is a nice touch, but I don't it it's worth the three lines leading up to it.
Honesty dude I think you could hack the 6th stanza (I reply, etc.) entirely.
To me, I think your best approach is to clear out the clutter so what's great in this poem can shine through. This might be a bit of a radical critique, so take me with a grain of salt. All the best!
- Matt