03-13-2016, 02:51 AM
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest, -- I'd cut this line. Going straight from "feet" to the "reprieve" line gives you a nice bit of assonance, and this line doesn't add much at all
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams. -- though the ambiguity of "clearing" is quite nice, I'm not sure it gives the most evocative image. Have you thought about something like "glade"?
But love, -- maybe capitalise Love and give it a colon. Then you'd need to change the semi-colon in the next line, probably to a comma. Alternatively, a set of em-dashes.
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? -- though "chambers of my sleep" is a pretty phrase, I find its use a bit heavy-handed. You've used up three lines telling us you're haunted by love in your dreams.
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. -- I like this close, but I think it occurs too abruptly. How do we go from sleep to burning? This really needs an epiphany or you've got two separate poems.
