The Cleanse
#6
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote:  You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest, -- I'd cut this line.  Going straight from "feet" to the "reprieve" line gives you a nice bit of assonance, and this line doesn't add much at all
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams. -- though the ambiguity of "clearing" is quite nice, I'm not sure it gives the most evocative image.  Have you thought about something like "glade"?

But love, -- maybe capitalise Love and give it a colon.  Then you'd need to change the semi-colon in the next line, probably to a comma.  Alternatively, a set of em-dashes.
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? -- though "chambers of my sleep" is a pretty phrase, I find its use a bit heavy-handed.  You've used up three lines telling us you're haunted by love in your dreams.

Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. -- I like this close, but I think it occurs too abruptly.  How do we go from sleep to burning?  This really needs an epiphany or you've got two separate poems.
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Messages In This Thread
The Cleanse - by ephemerald - 03-10-2016, 06:25 PM
RE: The Cleanse - by jameso - 03-11-2016, 09:14 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by REW - 03-12-2016, 08:35 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by Ashok1 - 03-12-2016, 05:50 PM
RE: The Cleanse - by Achebe - 03-12-2016, 08:36 PM
RE: The Cleanse - by Leanne - 03-13-2016, 02:51 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by CRNDLSM - 09-13-2016, 05:34 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by 71degrees - 09-15-2016, 12:10 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by Sparkydashforth - 12-03-2016, 04:11 AM
RE: The Cleanse - by Kwigination - 12-03-2016, 06:05 AM



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