Mayfly (Revised)

[Julius]

Mayfly (Revised)

I watch you flutter midst bright rays of sun "bright rays" seems forced

so innocent of how you came to be the line should probably end with a comma

as wonderful a sight for anyone  Nit picking grammar but I think that "As wonderful..." needs to be followed by "as"

who here would rest awhile and watch with me.

I see bright colours in translucent wings

that drive your dance within warm beams of light. Nice

It seems to me a choir of nature sings I think that "nature's choir" reads better but hey, that's just me!

its song and gently shares in my delight. Needs to have a comma after "song" as in the first version

I know there was a time of cruelty Still jars a bit for me

when nature bid you kill so you'd survive.

I understand, I know it had to be,

for this day of pleasure to arrive. Metre doesnt fit; there are only nine not ten

Nature knows no guilt my little one; 

so take this day of life under the sun.

This version seems a bit rushed. Maybe you need to take some time out and let the crits and your own thoughts percolate a bit. It's a lovely idea and I'm sure could be developed into something really good. Having said that I'm a newbie on this site so may have got the wrong end of the stick altogether!




Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

[/quote]

Thank you for reading and your thoughts. Perhaps slotting in the ideas given to me has resulted in what might be better described as a new "rough draft"?
Reference the 9 syllable last line, I shall have to consider where the stresses lie. You can have 9 syllables in iambic pentameter as long as the missing syllable is the first unstressed one. This is known as a headless iamb.
FOR/this DAY/of PLEA/sure TO/arrIVE.

Hopefully, I'll get some more comments, but yours are appreciated