03-12-2016, 05:50 PM
I liked this. A few thoughts/comments
You made yourself out to be Is the poem in past or present tense? The rest of the poem is present tense so should this be "You make yourself...."?
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees; Should this be "from my grasping through trees"
the clearing from my dreams. This doesnt seem to make sense. There is a place/role for love in the dreams so this role needs to be clarified/consolidated. Did you mean ""in my dreams"? Also seems to give the impression that the dreams are in need of a clearing. If so that's fine; otherwise how about "meaning" instead of "clearing"?
But love,
liar, fool, thief; "Liar" yes but why "fool" and "thief"? perhaps just elaborate on the "liar"?
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? Very nice
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. Great ending
You made yourself out to be Is the poem in past or present tense? The rest of the poem is present tense so should this be "You make yourself...."?
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees; Should this be "from my grasping through trees"
the clearing from my dreams. This doesnt seem to make sense. There is a place/role for love in the dreams so this role needs to be clarified/consolidated. Did you mean ""in my dreams"? Also seems to give the impression that the dreams are in need of a clearing. If so that's fine; otherwise how about "meaning" instead of "clearing"?
But love,
liar, fool, thief; "Liar" yes but why "fool" and "thief"? perhaps just elaborate on the "liar"?
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? Very nice
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. Great ending