03-11-2016, 01:35 AM
Hey,
I'm new to this forum and I certainly don't consider myself to be very knowledgeable when it comes to critiquing poetry. This will actually be my first attempt so certainly feel free to take anything I have to say with a grain of salt. Anyway.
Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I also have to agree with the previous comments. I don't know very much about meter but upon reading it does seem to stumble and catch in a couple of places. It could be smoothed out by omitting or changing a couple of words. I also think that if it were my poem I would change line 5 to say "How dare you bring upon me" using bring in place of brought. I might just try and rewrite line 8 entirely as it seems like a mouthful to me. Perhaps try something like "I'll have my satisfaction". I don't know.
Where are you keeper of my heart?
You dare commit such stealing?
Without it, I can't make fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you bring upon me,
Such a crippling soul of passion?
You should not be out walking free,
I'll have my satisfaction!
Stealing love's, your greatest crime.
Tortured and robbed of my prime.
Something like that. Like I said before, I don't know very much about meter. I just read it out loud and try to get a feel for the rhythm of the words. In regards to meter there seem to be some knowledgeable people here that could help you out. There are also quite a few instructive posts as well. I need to get into those for sure. Keep on writing! Cheers!
I'm new to this forum and I certainly don't consider myself to be very knowledgeable when it comes to critiquing poetry. This will actually be my first attempt so certainly feel free to take anything I have to say with a grain of salt. Anyway.
Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I also have to agree with the previous comments. I don't know very much about meter but upon reading it does seem to stumble and catch in a couple of places. It could be smoothed out by omitting or changing a couple of words. I also think that if it were my poem I would change line 5 to say "How dare you bring upon me" using bring in place of brought. I might just try and rewrite line 8 entirely as it seems like a mouthful to me. Perhaps try something like "I'll have my satisfaction". I don't know.
Where are you keeper of my heart?
You dare commit such stealing?
Without it, I can't make fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you bring upon me,
Such a crippling soul of passion?
You should not be out walking free,
I'll have my satisfaction!
Stealing love's, your greatest crime.
Tortured and robbed of my prime.
Something like that. Like I said before, I don't know very much about meter. I just read it out loud and try to get a feel for the rhythm of the words. In regards to meter there seem to be some knowledgeable people here that could help you out. There are also quite a few instructive posts as well. I need to get into those for sure. Keep on writing! Cheers!