A Blackbirds lament

[tectak]

Don't know how I missed this, Keith. It is familiar to me...but I got over it. Nonetheless...
The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath, Nice and clever...not clever arse. Good but precise enough in its start and finish to warrant a period
my mind followed a rising panicNot clear here. A "panic of realisation" is cerebral every which way. I can accept that "brain is not mind" but not that "thinking is not mind". So for me..."My mind filled with the rising panic of realisation" makes sense to me.
of realisation, I had taken a life. Or if you had said "...panic of realisation THAT I had taken a life..." then fine. But you didn't. You want dramatic effect here. So something more pausey (and if that ain't a word it should be) than an enfeebled comma, surely? "My mind filled with the rising panic of realisation; I had taken  life."

I had laid the breadcrumbs Oh dear me. "I had laid the breadcrumbs (then) I hid behind the garden wall" can be restated. " I laid the breadcrumbs then hid behind the garden wall. I waited ( we have lost the need for "had laid" and "had waited") in silence as you landed, lined (up) the sight and squeezed the trigger. It was all my responsibility (fault?)". This is how I would write it, Keith. You are not me so no offence either way. Frankly, what I am doing is rewriting it not as I would write it, but as how I read it. Suggestions only.
hid behind the garden wall
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you The "as" word is a problem for nearly everyone especially me. Thing is, the implied simultaneity when none is needed, combined with a conditionality where none is intended. For both these reasons I try to avoid using it EXCEPT when I MEAN to use one or other nuances. What is wrong with " I tried to revive your still warm body body; soft AS though full of water." This brings a tight noose around connected terms without adding explanatory interjections...soft like YOU were filled with water. Well of course, it is YOU, bird, that refers...there's only a bird and a narrator. No need for clarification.
soft like you were filled with water....and this line is poor anyway because of the "soft like you" against "like you were" dilemma.
The colour of your beak A missed opportunity to let punctuation do what punctuation does best....clarifies. A few commas, please.
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers I would jump to a semicolon after this list but I would be wrong to do so. Here we have the perfect place for the single  em-dash. It does not come up often.
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises Random enjambment. You may have reason for avoiding
"I buried you in the garden and
made promises I have kept." but I cannot see it. Read out loud and adjust the pause after "and" ( you are allowed to do this with line endings) to suit the dramatic effect. It already flows, to my ear, much better. Poets love the promise of a promise...it is so darned humanistic in concept and has the weight of oath and truth and contract and (usually) good intent. I like it used here...almost as a mark of honour. I kept my promise...so that's alright, then. Good. ( I used the concept in my "Unshared" so I am biased
I have kept.

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms, Cat's do not thrive on worms. What did you feed the fledgling on? Bloody "it" word.
set it free when the weather
turned warm,
gave it back your life. Hmmm. "Your" life? Who you?I get the reciprocity but life is such a good and fungible commodity that I want this line to be clearer. "Gave back to it your life..." is horrible and I apologise for it but it is, I think, what you mean.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. Cute ending. Not rushed. Very likeable if not poignantly portentous Da da da daaahhh. (dramatic chords)

I am late coming to this, Keith. Take what you will or nothing at all.
Best,
tectak