Mayfly (Revised)

[Magpie]

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun
so innocent of how you came to be
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings.
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight.

I know there was a time of cruelty
when you would kill in order to survive.
I understand, I know it had to be
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

Hi Julius,

Another enjoyable poem from you, I'll try not to repeat too much what others have said about cliches and so forth. Just one main point really, I agree with Achebe about the line "who has the time, and will, to stand and see", apart from it having an awkward phrasing it does have a sense of that this is a laborious task one has to undertake in able to appreciate the beauty. The inclusion of 'will' and 'stand' add to this feeling. Even if you were to change the 'stand' to 'sit' it would take the edge of slightly. This is not a suggestion as I know it would mess up the metre, but more just to show the effect of that one word has. This poem reminds me a lot of Wordsworth as do some of your other poems, it is clear that you have a great affection for him, which is a good thing because technically Wordsworth was excellent. I'm sure you know his 'To A Butterfly' poem, the first two lines of which are,

I've watched you now a full half-hour;
Self-poised upon that yellow flower

And to me, in these two lines he is expressing some of the same sentiment as you in the regards of being patient and observant, but without any sense of labour at all. If he had wrote 'I've stood and watched you a full half-hour', it would have a slightly different context.
I only dwell on this one point because I think it would make a beneficial difference to your poem as a whole.

I enjoy reading your poems, your style is very good and as I said, you remind me of Wordsworth and that can't be a bad thing at all.

Thanks for sharing,

Mark