Mayfly (Revised)

[Julius]

A sonnet, more or less, I briefly scanned it and though awkward at times it seems to technically meets the requirements.

Mayfly

I watch you flutter in the mid-day sun (cliche)
so innocent of how you came to be 
so beautiful; a sight for any one
who has the time, and will, to stand and see (Awkward phrasing, sorry, I can't offer a better suggestion, but still needs reworking)
the rainbow colours in your fragile wings. (borders on cliche)
Then as you dart within warm beams of light,
it seems to me, the whole of nature sings
its song, and gently shares in my delight. (a bit wordy, but good enough)

I know there was a time of cruelty (How is nature cruel?)
when you would kill in order to survive. (Who is the speaker talking to?)
I understand, I know it had to be  (no comma)
in order that this pleasant day arrive.
(space here)
So have no guilt my pretty little one;
accept your day of life under the sun.

Sorry, I know this critique goes beyond this forum. The writer might want to consider injecting some personification to make it something other than a sympathetic observation. If this is just a practice piece to work on a sonnet, then it is well done. For the most part it reads very smoothly, there was nothing to trip me up as far as the meter or the rhyme.
Philosophically, S3 + the couplet gave me problems. Yes to more personification, but this is unconnected and if it is talking solely about the mayfly, why should it have guilt (remorse) about killing, anymore than I do when I eat. Plus the phrase, "I know there was a time of cruelty"  begs the question, what time was that?
There is no need to tell the mayfly to "have no guilt" as (1) it cannot experience guilt, and (2), it cannot do anything to feel guilty about, it is simply nature in action. If the writer were meaning to tie this to something besides the mayfly and make a moral point that connection alluded me.

Best,

dale

 
PS





This poem reminded me of a poem by George Crabbe:

 Ephemera

    In shoals the hours their constant numbers bring,
    Like insects waking to th' advancing spring;
    Which take their rise from grubs obscene that lie
    In shallow pools, or thence ascend the sky:
    Such are these base ephemeras, so born
    To die before the next revolving morn.
  
      — George Crabbe, "The Newspaper", 1785

 Thank you Dale, I appreciate the fact that you have given much thought to this poem. I do accept that I have a tendency to include cliches. Sometimes that is unconscious, and sometimes accepted as a word or phrase that seems to exactly fit what I want to say.

As for the emotions or meanings behind the poem I would say that this poem is meant to be whimsical. The observer mixing human feelings within the spectacle he/she is observing. In its way it is accepting that these are a fact of the mayflies existence and that the mayfly is unaware, indeed has no need to be aware, of those human feelings.

The whole poem is “talking” to the mayfly (as thoughts passing through the watcher's mind) as signified by the title and the first few words. Perhaps this problem of “who is the speaker talking to” could be solved simply by removing the line break after L9?

When I have a quiet spell I will bear all these points in mind, but I'm glad the poem is generally liked and won't need too much editing.