03-06-2016, 12:55 AM
Hi
I'm new to this site and this is the first poem I'm trying to critique! So apologies in advance!
I agree with other re Stanza 6; it could simply end "where it cannot be"
Stanza 8, why not delete "hopped into his mind". So simply "Another idea"
Some of the phrases are very allegorical; I love the "thinning soles", "beaten path". However others are quite realistic; for me this strikes a jarring note. For example "working for him at his construction site". You could probably delete that line. Is there any need for readers to know that he owned a construction business? The critical thing is that is family depends on him.
The mood of the poem is not clear; is this a man cast in a stoic mould? Does he have regrets? Is he tormented by the thought of his life work not continuing? Perhaps that needs to come out more strongly.
But very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing it.
I'm new to this site and this is the first poem I'm trying to critique! So apologies in advance!
I agree with other re Stanza 6; it could simply end "where it cannot be"
Stanza 8, why not delete "hopped into his mind". So simply "Another idea"
Some of the phrases are very allegorical; I love the "thinning soles", "beaten path". However others are quite realistic; for me this strikes a jarring note. For example "working for him at his construction site". You could probably delete that line. Is there any need for readers to know that he owned a construction business? The critical thing is that is family depends on him.
The mood of the poem is not clear; is this a man cast in a stoic mould? Does he have regrets? Is he tormented by the thought of his life work not continuing? Perhaps that needs to come out more strongly.
But very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing it.