Hi 1skylande1,
Without commenting on any of the other parts, the meter feels largely irregular. For this to flow and for the rhyme to be seamless and natural you need to establish a more consistent rhythm. As it is the piece feels disjointed. There are some threads in the practice forum that talk about meter. Here's a sticky to read: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-3512.html
It's not that there isn't a problem with the rhyme but the larger issue is the skeleton you're placing the rhyme on. Give some attention to meter, read the poem out loud and ask yourself if it flows. To me it seems choppy.
Hope that helps some.
Best,
Todd
Without commenting on any of the other parts, the meter feels largely irregular. For this to flow and for the rhyme to be seamless and natural you need to establish a more consistent rhythm. As it is the piece feels disjointed. There are some threads in the practice forum that talk about meter. Here's a sticky to read: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-3512.html
It's not that there isn't a problem with the rhyme but the larger issue is the skeleton you're placing the rhyme on. Give some attention to meter, read the poem out loud and ask yourself if it flows. To me it seems choppy.
Hope that helps some.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson