A Raindrop Landed In My Eye
#4
(03-01-2016, 07:12 AM)mackzmike Wrote:  A minute before the rain came,
in still, cool air like static,
a seagull perched on a dumpster,
its wing bent and twitching,
staring at me,
who stared back,
and for a moment it felt that

we understood each other.
 
My focus was broken by
a misshapen “V” of geese
squawking overhead.
I looked up and
a raindrop landed in my eye.
I winced and pressed

my eye lids 
shut.
I opened them,
and looked back at the seagull,
his beak buried in a used diaper.
I like the idea of your poem: poking a little fun at our tendency to anthropomorphise.
Too many words in the original. Version above is a suggestion.
You should end it at diaper as that's the punchline.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Messages In This Thread
A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by mackzmike - 03-01-2016, 07:12 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by ellajam - 03-01-2016, 07:18 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by mackzmike - 03-01-2016, 07:49 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by Achebe - 03-01-2016, 07:12 PM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by REW - 03-03-2016, 04:12 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by REW - 03-06-2016, 11:03 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by ephemerald - 03-08-2016, 05:19 PM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by jameso - 03-11-2016, 09:31 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by actual_trash - 03-11-2016, 12:42 PM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by Ashok1 - 03-12-2016, 12:58 AM
RE: A Raindrop Landed In My Eye - by Enrique34 - 03-17-2016, 04:13 AM



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