02-26-2016, 08:12 AM
The poem is very sweet and has a humility about it. I think it would improve with some line restructuring so it isn't so stop and start and flows along in a more continuous way, for example
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed
She has a boyfriend, they said.
But thats just my personal opinion.
Another little suggestion… I feel like the poems is ultimately about your longing and not being able to choose who we love - so you could highlight that longing more. Even though you are respectful to her space in the well wishes at the end, I felt like I wanted to connect more with your pain and grief that she is gone.
Hope that was helpful. good luck
I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed
She has a boyfriend, they said.
But thats just my personal opinion.
Another little suggestion… I feel like the poems is ultimately about your longing and not being able to choose who we love - so you could highlight that longing more. Even though you are respectful to her space in the well wishes at the end, I felt like I wanted to connect more with your pain and grief that she is gone.
Hope that was helpful. good luck