Spring Fog (revised 3)

[aschueler]

Revision (actually more the original)

Fog hovers  half up the trees,
crows play marco polo through the leaves.
Soft earthsmell from warming ground rises,
life comes again from fall. 


(original)
Soft fog holds to trees, 
crows call out marco polo
warming ground wakens.

I was surprised to see how much in the opposite direction you went from the original idea of haiku. To be honest if I had to choose between the two I would choose the original. Mostly because that wonderful middle line of the original seems to be lost now. And by lost I don't just mean the change of 'call out' to 'play', but the other lines around it seem to smother it. Perhaps RiverNotch was right in not breaking up that line, but either split in two or still as a whole line, it is too good of a line to not use as a shining centrepiece for some sort of short poem whether it be haiku, senryu or just a short poem without restrictions.

It's up to you, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think that line was worth saving.

Mark

yeah, you see what I ran into when I was shaving stuff off.  There was more.  

Will do my final revision (appended).  Thanks for the help.