02-21-2016, 09:54 PM
(02-21-2016, 08:32 PM)aschueler Wrote: Soft fog holds to trees, Fog being fog, soft is unneeded. "holds to trees" sounds like an awkward compression of what you really meant to say here, but it has some value.
crows call out marco polo Good line. I disagree with breaking this line for the sake of the poem because it'd make the poem hang too much on a personification, but since the next line gives almost-nothing...
warming ground wakens.Like I said, this line gives almost-nothing. Because I know very little about the nature over there, I can't tell if the appearance of fog and the fooling around of crows signals morning (or, er, spring), so I can't be sure if the thought in "wakens" is necessary or not.
This is very close to something suck-worthy, especially with that middle line, but yeah, there are too many words, and the sense of time and place still feels incomplete, especially with me forgetting how much of a season "crows" and "fog" denote.