Sleep
#4
(02-16-2016, 05:15 AM)vishaksagar Wrote:  Clear was the sky today, all blue with few clouds;
and what he chose to do, was sleep with a few doubts.
The sun reached the zenith and things seemed to clear, (as there were "few clouds" there is little significance in this line except to rhyme with "hear" making it a forced rhyme. Of course the dichotomy between the "weather" and "him" makes little sense, especially after it is dropped after S1)
The rumble in his belly was all he could hear.

Get up now she said. Go brush your teeth.
Wash your silly face and come to eat.
Slowly with effort he rose to the task,
blanket still warm, while he searched for his glass. (again this seems a forced rhyme, would she really need to search for his glass, especially if there is only one?)

Had the food, dishes were done,
back to sleep, clock struck one.

"And with the food and dishes done;
he's back to sleep til clock strikes one."


Time to dream, he said now.
Don't disturb! You may go to town.

Bring me a pillow, a feathery one,
red in color, soft as a bun.
Big enough for both to share;
when we lie naked and bare. (redundant)

As the sun goes down, we shall see;
our passions growing, just you and me.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Overall, the meter is on and off at best, the rhyme pattern varies, and a lot of the content is thrown in just to move those two features along. It seems you are trying to write formal poetry, solely by ear; this is not uncommon for someone beginning to write poetry. Still you need to begin to work on your skill set. I would suggest starting with "Ballad meter" which is similar to what you are attempting here. It consist of four feet of iambs and has an xaxa rhyme pattern in each stanza. An iamb consists of two syllables, with the accent on the second syllable.
Here is an example of four feet of iambs, or iambic tetrameter:

"Because I could not stop for Death"  - Emily Dickinson


There is a brief article on ballad meter as a subsection of Common Meter in this Wiki article

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_metre

Also see the section on meter in Wiki under the heading of "poetry" --> "meter"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry#Meter

Best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Messages In This Thread
Sleep - by vishaksagar - 02-16-2016, 05:15 AM
RE: Sleep - by newsclippings - 02-16-2016, 02:14 PM
RE: Sleep - by nikkisto - 02-16-2016, 03:24 PM
RE: Sleep - by Erthona - 02-20-2016, 10:47 PM
RE: Sleep - by Beyond all Lines - 03-29-2016, 11:31 PM
RE: Sleep - by Lip Kingdavid - 03-31-2016, 02:17 AM
RE: Sleep - by Jasper - 03-31-2016, 12:57 PM
RE: Sleep - by Mr.Malicious - 03-31-2016, 01:34 PM
RE: Sleep - by fasmistic - 04-02-2016, 12:33 PM



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