My first poem-Plz help

[ellajam]

First, kudos to you for attempting to improve your poem. I didn't read your intro past the first line as the poem should speak for itself but I hope your teacher urged you to read a lot of poetry before attempting  your poem.

A few thoughts on what you've presented here:

Give your poem a title, preferably one that will entice the reader to continue.

L1: I'd cut it, the poem should explain itself.

Life on shuffle is a fine idea.

Fix your typos before asking anyone to read it (we've left our lives, random capitalized words, etc.).

It might be easier to follow some of your lines if you added full punctuation rather than the two commas you have.

Capitalizing each line is not mandatory, it is a choice each poet makes for each poem, many never do it. You might consider whether or not it is helping you here.

Go through and see how many words you can cut while keeping and maybe crystallizing the meaning.
Ex: Life is an Ipod left on shuffle.

I hope you enjoy your course.

“This poem is a warning and fear about compromise”
If life is an iPod
Is it fair to say we’ve left our life’s on shuffle
But here's the trouble
I think it's somehow worse
Some of us have simply accepted
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected
That our dreams everyday are shrinking
That perhaps  we’ve done too much rethinking
That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking
Will we even find all we were seeking
or will they find  us in our cubicles still reeking
As a kid I propose, If life is an a iPod that by compromising
That maybe we aren’t even playing a song at all we’ve picked,
perhaps we've defaulted Instead
Losing ideals our lives our thoughts our head
We’ve just left the thing we’ve fled
Ignoring the problems taking the med
Disregarding our hopes as they’ve hopelessly bleed
Huh there is a lot to be said but
With all this dread
Even youtube is starting to look a little red