Cana 2.0 Achebe

[Magpie]

Hi River, this is very interesting and yet at the same time somewhat confusing. Having said that I am intrigued... I have left some comments below.

CANA

Lilies blooming along the curb, - In the context of the whole poem and it's Christian setting it would be fair to treat Lilies as the Christian symbol of chastity, though there are other symbolism meanings for Lilies that would contradict this. I get the double meaning with 'curb' but the meaning of stonework or a framework seems a bit obscure for it to work
shedding starlight like the tears - 'the' seems awkward here... very specific without it being specified
on the face, the hair, the veil, the sex -- - again here 'the' preceding 'hair' seems awkward

I trample them. Down the faithful road 
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine, the groom, -- maybe it's just me but when I first read this I read it as the guests complaining about the groom, perhaps full stop after wine?

fresh from Egypt and the Jordan, -- I would probably specify here 'river' Jordan
passes with his crowd of lights 
like Saint Michael over the Nile. -- Depending which religion you want to use Saint Michael could mean an Archangel, another name for Jesus, God, a protector of Jewish people (Moses). You might be using it for the ambiguity but it confuses too much.

I wonder: when this hallowed boy was born -- All probably too much speculation for mild critique, but if this hallowed boy is Jesus then..
and the temple veil was torn -- this must be a metaphor? A violent one perhaps, but a clever one considering the temple veil being torn happened at Jesus death. I like how you've used it here.
and the treacherous sex was proven true, 

did these lilies glow as bright? 
How wine blinds! In my mind tonight, 
there is only her face and fiery hair 

consuming east and west, 
and drops of silver running down her breast -- 
the promise echoes. The gates are shut.

I better skip to the end before I write way too much for mild. It is fascinating and yet also confusing, there is a lot of symbolism in there but which culture to attach which symbolism. Lilies and Veil seem like the most important aspect... I could speculate plenty but I can't be sure that I'm totally correct. Fiery hair - Mary Magdalene?? The speaker?? Baptism?? Silver??? It's all tantalising stuff, just feels a little bit too cryptic... need a few more tools to solve it.

Hope this makes sense. I look forward to seeing more possible developments.
Thanks for the read,

Mark

A few bits were bothering me. The first draft is spoilered below, as per my growing usual.

CANA

Lilies blooming along the curb,
shedding bright and blinding starlight
like reflective tears perfuming
the face, the hair, the veil, the sex --

I trample them. When the hallowed boy was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?

I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.

I remember the promise. Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's hallowed brother imitates 
the Paskha with the pots like the rod of Moses
over the waters of the Nile --

how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast.

The gates are shut. 
The virgin's womb becomes a tomb,
and wedding bands, the devil's cords --
my Lord! my Lord! Forgive me!

CANA

Lilies blooming along the curb,
and from them starlight, bright and blinding,
perfuming the road, illuming the face,
the hair, the veil, the sex --

I trample them. When the hallowed son was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?

I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.

Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's cousin imitates the Paskha
with the pots like a dove descending
over the priest's promise --

how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of milk running down her breast.

The gates are shut --
I remember her promise. Why did she forget?
Oh, those wedding bands are devils' cords --
but, my Lord, forgive!