02-18-2016, 09:13 AM
Again, thanks for the help. I struggled with a lot of the areas you guys are pointing out.
Achebe: You made me laugh with "'calm inscrutable wisdom' is pretty terrible"... and maybe its best to drop what you call the moral. Thanks for pointing out better word choices.
Ellajam: I am really bad at titles. I think generally because my ideas start in the middle of the poem and I have to figure out the beginning and end. However, your phrase "a peaceful death" might be good. Will clarify the beginning, it's tough of course with few words to describe the hallway I walked through. She had a a HUGE family lining the entire hospital hallway and the little kids playing in the middle of it all was ... nice but different. By sooner than expected I mean I didn't expect her to die RIGHT THEN. Didn't catch the anchor myself at first, I think I mean to put "I" in there.
Billy et al: one thing I was trying to get across and I think I can still work is how awkward and unsure not just I was but everyone. Death is tough anymore, we don't have clear scripts what to do. I was myself feeliing "unsure", so was everyone.
The end sucks. I will leave that off.
Many thanks for all the help, will put up another version soon but free time has been lacking lately.
Achebe: You made me laugh with "'calm inscrutable wisdom' is pretty terrible"... and maybe its best to drop what you call the moral. Thanks for pointing out better word choices.
Ellajam: I am really bad at titles. I think generally because my ideas start in the middle of the poem and I have to figure out the beginning and end. However, your phrase "a peaceful death" might be good. Will clarify the beginning, it's tough of course with few words to describe the hallway I walked through. She had a a HUGE family lining the entire hospital hallway and the little kids playing in the middle of it all was ... nice but different. By sooner than expected I mean I didn't expect her to die RIGHT THEN. Didn't catch the anchor myself at first, I think I mean to put "I" in there.
Billy et al: one thing I was trying to get across and I think I can still work is how awkward and unsure not just I was but everyone. Death is tough anymore, we don't have clear scripts what to do. I was myself feeliing "unsure", so was everyone.
The end sucks. I will leave that off.
Many thanks for all the help, will put up another version soon but free time has been lacking lately.