Cana 2.0 Achebe

[Achebe]

I've been a bit obsessive about this -- anyway, ignore my note on the groom and the "bride's brother" being not-one, and the tears perfuming. I've mucked about with the structure, cleaned it up, and made it lean on a sturdier meaning. At this point, the only note I really disagree on with you, Achebe, is the metrical note -- that line's only 5 stresses long, and three stresses form a sticky molossus, so with the rhythm above, it sounds sweet. I think there are worse offenders.

I like this second version.
Just one more point: the 'the sex' in L3 suggests female genitalia, because of the definite article. Then, when I read 'trample them' in the next line, I know you are referring to the lilies, but I am also picturing some dude trampling on the you know what of a woman lying on her back. It's a strange image to carry in the head for the rest of the poem.