02-17-2016, 05:27 AM
Crystalline grief bequeathed to winter's sky.
Enamored huntsmen turned her maiden eye.
Her favor spied by dawn's omniscient light
Set love adrift, from waves to starry night.
"Crystalline grief" would indicate a fragile grief, that is to say either one that is not very strong or possibly not very true. If we just stick with "fragile" the first line reads
Fragile grief passed on to a winter's sky.
So while the words may be pretty, not much in terms of sensible information is "passed on". :)
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In terms of IP, if that is what you were shooting for, you can see by the accent marks that are normal for these words there is no way to get IP out of this line as there are four unaccented or neutral syllables all together. This is not withstanding that the first syllable is accented making the first two syllables a foot of trochee, but "Crystalline" is generally read as a foot of dactyl. Even allowing "grief" to be accented, that still is three and a half foot of trochee.
Crys-tal-line grief be-queathed to win-ter's sky.
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E-nam-ored hunts-men turned her maid-en eye.
This seems to be in IP, but why "maiden" instead of "maiden's" after all the eye does belong to the girl, making it possessive? One also must wonder how many "huntsmen" there are? Did you mean "huntsman"?
The lack of a direct object "the" makes the line seems ungainly. People who like to write in IP will advise you that it is more than just getting the right syllables accented, it also has to read naturally. This line does not.
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Her fav-or spied by dawn's om-nis-cient light
Giving "dawn" the power of omnipotence period, but within this context makes no sense at all. If one wishes to personify "dawn" fine, although personally I would go with Eos as the personification is already built in, but even being a goddess, she is not omnipotent.
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Set love adrift, from waves to starry night. IP
Even if you mean "light waves" to "starry night" (borders on cliche) the line still does not inform the reader of much.
Oh well I've gone over long for this forum. Still I would be remiss not give give the nod to the mythology that is trying to play out here, or at least seems to be. Diana "ancient Roman goddess of the moon, the hunt, and chastity." Wiki, underline mine.
The Huntsman would be her vassal so to speak, although some would say that is a stretch. She is a maiden as she is chaste, and of course she is the moon goddess.
Best,
dale
Enamored huntsmen turned her maiden eye.
Her favor spied by dawn's omniscient light
Set love adrift, from waves to starry night.
"Crystalline grief" would indicate a fragile grief, that is to say either one that is not very strong or possibly not very true. If we just stick with "fragile" the first line reads
Fragile grief passed on to a winter's sky.
So while the words may be pretty, not much in terms of sensible information is "passed on". :)
_______________________________________________________________________________
In terms of IP, if that is what you were shooting for, you can see by the accent marks that are normal for these words there is no way to get IP out of this line as there are four unaccented or neutral syllables all together. This is not withstanding that the first syllable is accented making the first two syllables a foot of trochee, but "Crystalline" is generally read as a foot of dactyl. Even allowing "grief" to be accented, that still is three and a half foot of trochee.
Crys-tal-line grief be-queathed to win-ter's sky.
___________________________________________________________________________
E-nam-ored hunts-men turned her maid-en eye.
This seems to be in IP, but why "maiden" instead of "maiden's" after all the eye does belong to the girl, making it possessive? One also must wonder how many "huntsmen" there are? Did you mean "huntsman"?
The lack of a direct object "the" makes the line seems ungainly. People who like to write in IP will advise you that it is more than just getting the right syllables accented, it also has to read naturally. This line does not.
________________________________________________________________________
Her fav-or spied by dawn's om-nis-cient light
Giving "dawn" the power of omnipotence period, but within this context makes no sense at all. If one wishes to personify "dawn" fine, although personally I would go with Eos as the personification is already built in, but even being a goddess, she is not omnipotent.
________________________________________________________________________
Set love adrift, from waves to starry night. IP
Even if you mean "light waves" to "starry night" (borders on cliche) the line still does not inform the reader of much.
Oh well I've gone over long for this forum. Still I would be remiss not give give the nod to the mythology that is trying to play out here, or at least seems to be. Diana "ancient Roman goddess of the moon, the hunt, and chastity." Wiki, underline mine.
The Huntsman would be her vassal so to speak, although some would say that is a stretch. She is a maiden as she is chaste, and of course she is the moon goddess.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.