Dichotomy

[aschueler]

Flowers fell from her tresses, as she lay on bed.
His hands reached for her, beneath the lacy red.
Their hearts broke the wall, which had made them two.
Her lips quivered in anticipation; moistened they were true.

Yet he hesitated; there was something amiss.
She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm.
Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,
blinded by prejudice; unheard was the lion's roar.

Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn.
Taken was he; heart, mind and soul.
Yet remained his body; waiting to feed,
on that pink flesh, beneath the lacy red.




Hi all, I'm new and welcome all help I can get.
Two things that really bother me are formatting and punctuation. Help.
Thanks

I read this a lot a lot.

First thing that came to mind at the beginning was maddening meter almost like the Lewis Carrols "Evidence" letter (attached at bottom, it makes up for the back and forth rhythm because it's funny).  But your meter didn't keep up in spite of the unusual inversions, which was a a relief, but then it went all weird.

I kept trying to get the gist of what you were trying to say.  I think I got some of it, but it's hard.

You have an interesting idea and getting your ideas out might be better if you dropped the meter, wrote it out more, than if you want meter adjust the words, shaving mercilessly especially trite phrases expressions like lips that are true.  To a modern mind, true is the opposite of false, where I believe you meant for her not to have the opposite of rubber lips but a person who is fidelious.  

Also imagery is tricky when writing inverted.  Try doing this without meter in mind first.  I think there's something good there.

These were the verses the White Rabbit read:—

       'They told me you had been to her,
         And mentioned me to him:
       She gave me a good character,
         But said I could not swim.

       He sent them word I had not gone
         (We know it to be true):
       If she should push the matter on,
         What would become of you?

       I gave her one, they gave him two,
         You gave us three or more;
       They all returned from him to you,
         Though they were mine before.

       If I or she should chance to be
         Involved in this affair,
       He trusts to you to set them free,
         Exactly as we were.

       My notion was that you had been
         (Before she had this fit)
       An obstacle that came between
         Him, and ourselves, and it.

       Don't let him know she liked them best,
         For this must ever be
       A secret, kept from all the rest,
         Between yourself and me.'