02-13-2016, 12:29 PM
Not really sure what the writer is trying to do. I don't really see a consistent meter, although it feels that way when someone is new to meter and leaves out words to make the meter work. Example:
" as she lay on bed." instead of " as she lay on (the) bed."
This also takes a lot of words to say very little, and the clarity level is low.
"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm."
Evidently the magic words were not so magic!
Then again, what one sees in metered verse often, an inversion, i.e., Yoda Speak.
"Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,"
BTW It would be Something more, not "someone more", that would just mean he was looking for a larger woman.
A number of the rhymes are either non-rhymes "amiss"- "hmm" or forced "more"- "roar".
Again it comes back to looking like a piece that is metered, the first line makes an attempt at six feet of iambs, but still comes across as awkward.
L2 has only five accents, and from there it is just a jumble. So I am unsure what the writer is attempting.
Probably needs a bit of a back story and more explanation about why he just up and left the bowery bed.
Best,
dale
" as she lay on bed." instead of " as she lay on (the) bed."
This also takes a lot of words to say very little, and the clarity level is low.
"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm."
Evidently the magic words were not so magic!
Then again, what one sees in metered verse often, an inversion, i.e., Yoda Speak.
"Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,"
BTW It would be Something more, not "someone more", that would just mean he was looking for a larger woman.
A number of the rhymes are either non-rhymes "amiss"- "hmm" or forced "more"- "roar".
Again it comes back to looking like a piece that is metered, the first line makes an attempt at six feet of iambs, but still comes across as awkward.
L2 has only five accents, and from there it is just a jumble. So I am unsure what the writer is attempting.
Probably needs a bit of a back story and more explanation about why he just up and left the bowery bed.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.