02-12-2016, 11:07 PM
Drop the white space—Use punctuation[b]—Don't start every line with a capital letter unless it is the start of a sentence—Rhetoric is not poetry. [/b]
"Did war decide who's right or who's left (question mark)
For when left isn't right and right is left (senseless)
Death is feared by those left (period)
Life is feared from those right (unproven assumption)
But when left is right and right isn't left (pointless ambiguity)
We are left our final rites our final rights (grammar)
What is left is what is right (what is brown is what is red)
That's when left is right and right is left" (That's when up is down, and down is up...PERIOD)
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Overall the lack of clarity dooms this poem. The ambiguity level about what is meant by "left" and "right" is way to high at various points and the poem becomes senseless. There are grammatical errors that also present problems to clarity, example:
"We are left our final rites our final rights"
"We are left with final rites, or our "final rights" although "final rights still carries a high level of ambiguity with it as there really is no such thing as "our final rights" if one is talking in terms of inherent human rights. We may have the supposed "right" to them, but the human race has been deprived of them throughout most of history. "Final rights" meaning the last rights to go, which is actually a misconception
To me personally, the poem comes across as a bit crass, that one should make a word game out of one of the more serious areas facing civilization. Note such places as Darfur, Syria, Lebanon, not to mention large portions of Africa (aside from Darfur).
Best,
dale
"Did war decide who's right or who's left (question mark)
For when left isn't right and right is left (senseless)
Death is feared by those left (period)
Life is feared from those right (unproven assumption)
But when left is right and right isn't left (pointless ambiguity)
We are left our final rites our final rights (grammar)
What is left is what is right (what is brown is what is red)
That's when left is right and right is left" (That's when up is down, and down is up...PERIOD)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Overall the lack of clarity dooms this poem. The ambiguity level about what is meant by "left" and "right" is way to high at various points and the poem becomes senseless. There are grammatical errors that also present problems to clarity, example:
"We are left our final rites our final rights"
"We are left with final rites, or our "final rights" although "final rights still carries a high level of ambiguity with it as there really is no such thing as "our final rights" if one is talking in terms of inherent human rights. We may have the supposed "right" to them, but the human race has been deprived of them throughout most of history. "Final rights" meaning the last rights to go, which is actually a misconception
To me personally, the poem comes across as a bit crass, that one should make a word game out of one of the more serious areas facing civilization. Note such places as Darfur, Syria, Lebanon, not to mention large portions of Africa (aside from Darfur).
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.