02-11-2016, 01:13 AM
(02-05-2016, 12:30 PM)slecht Wrote: Picture introduces the theme just as well as, well, every single line here that very very clearly states whose color was what. It's unnecessary.
''Hues'' Never liked stating a title like this, unless the quote marks were super-small; would prefer a bold, or my favorite, allcaps, since a title can actually be a quote.
She was red. I was blue.
We were different hues.
Different views.
The friction grew,
The addiction too,
Which we didn't know our limits too. Yes, should be to.
She was a Dark Red, afraid of her surroundings.
I was a Carolina Blue. At first I thought this was alcohol, but then Dark Red did feel too generic, and "afraid of her surroundings".....for dark red?
Full energy and always kept pounding. Fragment -- worse, a bland and ineffective one.
The fiery latina attitude matched her shade of Flame. Irked by the stereotype -- if you're gonna use stereotypes in a poem, don't just throw it in, actually play with it. It's a stereotype, not an archetype or a, well, proper allusion.
While I was true blue - Honesty and Loyalty was my main game. Fragment, and one that would work better if connected to its true self -- remove the cap, comma the earlier. Why is true blue not capped -- better question, why cap the fairly bland selection of colors? And the virtues? The meaning doesn't jump out -- and since I've been mulling on this for quite a bit, doesn't step in with analysis, too.
Sometimes she was a Lust red, and we felt the passion together
Especially when I showed her steel blue. Meh. Is the steel blue the speaker's penis?
I felt stronger than ever.
I wanted to reveal my Royal Blue. Show her my definition of love.
Embracing her Maroon while reminding her she will be loved. Good grief, you don't have to say the color's name twice every stanza! We get it.
I always made sure to communicate, even when I was teal.
But she remained oxblood, her pride kept her from keeping it real. Of course the rhyme I didn't predict, but it only made me face-palm. "Oxblood" is a step forward, even if it's still just another color -- ox's blood. Mmmm
A dark cloud in my sky blue front.
Her feelings were Crimson - all tide up. Another face-palm worthy play. See, if the rest of the stuff was powerful, or heck, vivid enough, this would be kinda neat, but in general, you just said the color over and over (and not repeated it in a clever way, one banking on multiple meanings, puns, or even sound-plays), not really showed it.

