01-31-2016, 03:18 AM
Brief return: I still feel that line 3, with its generally disposable feeling, and line 6, with the word "indicate", 1.5 feet, dominating the line, as being a bit bland, but at this point they're perfectly excusable. By replacing "so" for "for", I did mean turning it into a plain "forever", which means the same, only is spelled, well, modernly. Otherwise, I love this poem twice now because of the brand new volta, which more than makes up for what for me is a general air of plainness, something you really only overcome with time (or cocaine). I agree with ella on the "now", though, but that should be easy enough.