Pensive Glance

[Jeremiahcp]

Pensive Glance ( 1st Edit)

You ask why I so often look at you 
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say it's simply something that I do
for pleasure, dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, for ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss;
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
But now, my love, I see see you look my way;
so now I wait to hear what you might say!


Pensive Glance

You ask why do I often look at you
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile,
I know will always welcome with a kiss,
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.

I like the intro, as it is smooth and inviting, and I like the intent of the poem. However, to be honest, it is a love poem and there are as many love poems as there are poems about death. Unless you can make a love poem unique they tend to sound overplayed  You talk about her bright eyes, lips that smile (lips and eyes always a major target of love poems) and her integrity to the love. There is nothing in the poem that actually tells me why she is so special. What is that unique characteristic that makes her her? I know the poem is about this glance, but she is the actual target of the poem, and I want to see more of her.


A few things:


The entire poem has this very gentle flow to it, then you end the poem with an exclamation mark. You have to be careful with exclamation marks, as they carry a lot of energy. Personally I would drop it, as it does not seem to fit the rest of the poem.


In the second sentence (line 3 and 4) you have the word simple twice. Yes there is some separation between the two, and they are on different lines, however they are in the same sentence, and their redundancy is a bit distracting to the flow of the poem.


On the 13th line (2nd to last line) you have the word see twice.   

My main criticism is the focus of the poem. Use the glance as a vehicle for the poem, but make sure the spotlight is fully on her. Instead of just saying for pleasure describe that pleasure for us. You look at her, you see something, and there is a reaction to what you see, and I feel we are missing that here. Help us to understand why she is so special. I know expressing someone you love in words is a tall order, and it can never really be done, but the attempt is what will turn just another love poem into something special.

---

I dug through my old printouts of Writer's Almanac poems, as I thought this poem reflected some of the same sentiment I felt you may be going for.

I don't know the rules for posting other writer's poems on the website, so I'll just provide the podcast link for the text.

"Remodeling the Bathroom", by Ellen Bass

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/in...2008/12/07