01-31-2016, 01:04 AM
Keith,
This is really beautiful work. There are a few adjustments you can make that will really bring this one out even more fully. Here are some thoughts:
Best,
Todd
This is really beautiful work. There are a few adjustments you can make that will really bring this one out even more fully. Here are some thoughts:
(01-29-2016, 06:40 PM)Keith Wrote: We nearly called you MayAgain lovely work, Keith.
but they wanted to name you Blossom,
you burst bright into life
all pink and white,
summer still waiting
for your smile.--Moving from static naming to the motion of life. The entire burst sequence to the end--effective, visual, I'm fully hooked at this point.
The pram could move
from car to cradle,
carried under filtered sunlight,--filtered is such a nice choice to show the bubble we want to build around babies to protect them.
a cherry flower canopy
softened the sting
on delicate eyes.--delicate is almost a call out for me. I'm not totally against it but it reads a bit shorthand to me. There may be a better option to get here.
It was a perfect morning --While I realize that there's irony in this line, it still feels like the poem would be stronger without it, or with some reworked alternative. It's just very flat reportage sounding next to everything else. In a worse poem it wouldn't stand out as much.
the damp had just left the ground,--lovely phrasing
insects had come to play
and you were lost to its--Its doesn't feel right here.
lullaby. --Given the content this is an effective one word line. It's a very sad one word line, but it has the power to hold its place.
I would like to think
the beauty of that day--Something more specific here rather than the abstract bland beauty of that day. It would work fine in prose but falls flat here.
took away your breath --Strong in its restraint.
but there are other theories
I've read too many times.
On a cold blustery day
underneath those branches--reminds of when the bough breaks
we dispersed you, watered down--This sequence to the end of the strophe is powerful.
swirling into eddies
sinking underground.
In the quiet of our empty home--There may be a line you can add after the subtly captures the feeling of this quiet more. You may optionally want to dig into the reader more.
I made tea
and looked to the garden,
the trees had laid
their blankets over you,
giving up their short life
to keep you warm,
as they do every year.--gorgeous, sad payoff. No complaints on how you handled this.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
