01-29-2016, 09:46 PM
(01-29-2016, 09:16 PM)ellajam Wrote:I think the volta is there, but subtle. Up to the couplet the poem is in the present day and about "You". In the couplet thoughts turn to the past and those thoughts are those of "I".(01-29-2016, 09:04 PM)Julius Wrote: Thank you all for showing such interest in my poem. Some people have not realised that this is an attempt at a sonnet so suggestions concerning line or poem length etc. would "buckle the framework" that I have used.Hi Julius, one of the fun challenges of writing a sonnet is working within that framework and not caving to what is easy in meter and rhyme and making it the best poem it could possibly be. So for me, even suggestions that don't suit the form can be considered in hopes of improving content.
The people who have realised that it is an attempt to write a sonnet have made some valid and useful points and, although the changes might seem minor, I have to agree that a rewrite is something I should do to tidy it up.
I accept, apart from the sonnet framework, it can be considered lacking in some other poetic aspects. It is, in its own way, a plain and sincere reply to a question asked at breakfast. I think, under the circumstances, I shall leave the final version much the same in concept.
But for me, I don't see a clear volta, a turn from one view to another. What an I missing?
That was the idea, but perhaps it is not definite enough?
Perhaps something more like:-
I feel my age and how years slid away
Yet in your face a trace of yesterday

