01-29-2016, 03:14 PM
(01-28-2016, 11:44 PM)Julius Wrote: Sweet sentiment, but a bit bland, especially at lines 3, 6, and 13 -- eh, sweet is sweet. A few thoughts -- well, less thoughts and more edits, really.
You ask why do I often look at you Agree with ella. "You ask why I so often look at you" is better.
now that old age has robbed us of our youth.
I say its simply something that I do it's, not its
for pleasure dear, and that is simple truth. I keep reading the dear as the subject, so comma before dear.
Your eyes, as bright as they have ever been,
still indicate to me the way you feel.
They tell me nothing ever came between
the two of us, and love itself is real. Comma here may be unnecessary.
Your lips, so ever ready with a smile, instead of "so", may be "for"? "...so ever" sounds a bit too cheesy for this cake.
I know will always welcome with a kiss, I keep thinking instead of comma some other punctuation mark here, like a colon or something -- maybe not. But I do prefer "welcome", because it has more weight.
an honest grin without a hint of guile,
reminder of our early nights of bliss.
I know we’re old and years must have their way.
Still in your face, a glimpse of yesterday.